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WHY NOT JIM? 



A Farce in One Act 



BY 



HELEN F. BAGG 

Author of "THE SUPERIOR SEX." "IF MORNING 
GLORY WINS," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 
THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1911 






Copyright, 191 1, by The Penn Publishing Company. 



Why Not Jim ? 



CCI.D 25104 



why Not Jim? 



CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Gordon . A zvidoiv and the mother of her daughters 
Paula Harmon . Her daughter, 7vho won' t be a widow 

viuch longer 
Edna Fraser . . . Her second daughter, zvife of a 

literary man 
Vivian Gordon . The youngest daughter, but old enough 

to " take notice " 
Gertrude Price . J^raser's secretary, and a determined 

young person 

Alice A maid 

Alec Fraser . . . A young author, married to Edna 
Charles Ramsay . . A friend of the family, 7vho is 

responsible for "■Jim " 
James Barry . A friend of Charles, who is tvilltng to 

do a lot for Vivian 

Time: — The present. Scene: — Mrs. Gordon's summer 
home. 

Time of Playing : — One hour and a half. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

One of Miss Bagg's exceptionally clever comedies. Like 
" His Model Wife," and " Untangling Tony," it offers good 
opportunities for fun-making to nearly every member of the 
cast. Mrs. Gordon has secured as the chief attraction for 
her garden party "Count Cashmere," a famous palmist and 
fortune-teller. He sends word that he is ill. Alec Fraser, 
who is Mrs. Gordon's son-in-law, and Charles Ramsay, who 
hopes to be, induce Jim Barry, a young millionaire and a 
stranger, to impersonate the Count. He imposes on all the 
ladies except Gertrude, Eraser's secretary, who thinks the 
so-called Count is a burglar. Fraser and Ramsay try to 
save the situation by capturing " the burglar," removing his 
disguise, and bringing him back as the millionaire. Ger- 
trude exposes them, but Barry agrees to still play the part 
of palmist at the garden party, and the conspirators are for- 
given. 



COSTUMES 



Mrs. Gordon. A lady of fifty-five to sixty. Handsome 
afternoon indoor gown, with change to evening costume. 

Paula. A widow of twenty-seven. Not in mourning. 
Handsome afternoon gown, with change to evening costume. 
Carries garden hat at first entrance. 

Edna. About twenty-five ; dresses well, but not quite so 
dashingly as Paula. 

Gektkude. Twenty to twenty-five, good-looking, plain 
but very trim in dress, luxuriant in manner. 

Vivian. Eighteen. Wears short, white gown, and a 
big garden hat; change to simple evening gown. A long 
series of snubs from older sisters has given her an aggressive 
manner, but she is very attractive. 

Alice. Maid's costume; black dress, cap, apron. 

Eraser. Tall, rather indolent i-n manner, good-natured, 
humorous. Business suit, with change to evening dress. 

Ramsay. Thirty. Wears motoring costume at first en- 
trance ; afterward, evening dress. 

Barry. Abou^ twenty-eight. The lines of the play 



PROPERTIES 5 

describe him as rather short and stout, but this may be al- 
tered to describe the person taking the part. He would bet- 
ter not be tall, however. Dresses rather loudly in afternoon 
suit, afterward in evening dress. On first entrance dis- 
guised with wig and beard or mustache, and slightly dark- 
ened face. Disguise must be such that it may be removed 
quickly. He wears a ring with large stone. 



PROPERTIES 



Basket of flowers, vases, handkerchief for Edna ; type- 
writer machine and paper for Gertrude ; cigarette for 
Fraser ; handkerchief, letter, for Mrs. Gordon ; suit-case 
for Barry; tea-tray, cups and saucers, etc., for Alice; 
ash-tray and paper-cutter, curtain-rope, for Paula ; hand- 
kerchief for Ramsay. 



SCENE PLOT 




Drawing-room of Mrs. Gordon's summer home. En- 
trance at R., and by wide door with portieres, L. C. Wide 
window (may be bow window) and window seat at c. 
Down L., sofa. Down l. c, tea-table, ready to serve tea. 
Down R., small stand with typewriter on it; near it a small 
cliair and a large armchair. Other chairs and furnishings 
to suit taste. 



Why Not Jim? 



SCENE. — Drawing-room of Mus. Gordon's j//w;;/i?r //£>///<?, 
a feiv miles from JVetv York. Gertrude Price siis at 
typewriter writing. Near her, in a very comfortable 
armchair, sits Alec Eraser, cigarette in mouth, dic- 
tating. 

Eraser. Would you mind reading that last bit over ? 
Erom tlie place where Clare comes into the library and sees 
Henry ? 

Gertrude {reading in a brisk, businesslike way). "She 
came to him, softly, and touched him on the shoulder. 
'Darling,' she said, her voice trembling; 'Darling.' He 
turned and caught her in his arms." 

Eraser. Thanks. How does that strike you ? 

Gertrude. It strikes me that it's the fqurth time in two 
chapters that he's caught her in his arms, and the seventh 
time she's called him darling. 

(She refers to the manuscript.) 

Eraser. Well, change it — wait — hang it all, he's got to 
gral) her here. He would, you know. 

Gertrude. You might have him kiss her hand one of 
the other times. He hasn't done that yet. 

Eraser (jvith a grimace). H'm. Where's the thing 
going ? 

Gertrude. To the "Ladies' Eireside Eriend." They 
wrote you the other day, you know. 

Eraser. Oh, well, let him kiss her hand. I don't 

care. (Dictates.) " Clare," he murmured, "Clare " 

(Knock at the door.) Well ? 

Voice. It's Edna. May I come in ? 

Eraser. Certainly. 

(Enter Edna Eraser, l., a pretty little woman, with a 
basket of flowers in her arms. She frowns when she 
sees Gertrijde, and pauses in the doorway.) 

7 



8 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Edna. I suppose I'm interrupting your work? 

Fkaser {j-esignedly^. 1 guess we've worked long enough, 
anyhow. Miss Gertrude, you'd belter go for a walk and get 
some fresh air. We'll finish the yarn to-morrow. (Ger- 
trude gathers up the manuscript, all except the sheet that 
is on the machine, and goes out K. Edna goes to the table 
and arranges Jier flowers in the vases.) Edna, if we come 
here next summer, I am going to build a studio on the 
grounds somewhere. I haven't had a single hour of unin- 
terrupted work since we've been here. 

Edna {on the verge of tears). I'm sure I 

Eraser (crossing to her). My darling, I'm not finding 
fault with you — it's the whole family. It's your mother, 
and Paula, and Vivian, and Charles Ramsa)- — the whole lot 
of you. You simply won't leave a chap alone. 

Edna. I don't consider that you're alone when you're 
shut up here with that girl. 

Eraser. Who? Gertrude? But she's helping me with 
my work. You're surely not jealous of Gertrude? 

Edna. Of course I'm not. J — 1 think you're very 
unkind. 

Eraser {taking her iti his arms). Then why will you 
be such a little goose about her? You know what a help 
she is to me; and you know that there isn't a woman on 
earth whose little finger 1 care the least thing about, except 
yourself. 

Edna. But I want to be everything to you. I want to 
— well — to inspire you. Why can't I learn to run that 
thing? (Points to typewriter.) 

Eraser. Well, for one thing, my darling, you can't 
spell. No woman who habitually puts two " p's " in de- 
velope, and one "r" in interrupt, can be everything to me; 
at least, not till the phonetic method becomes more popular 
than it is now. 

Edna. Oh ! 

Eraser. And I'd rather get my inspiration in the ortho- 
dox way, if you don't mind. A woman who insisted upon 
inspiring one all the time would be an awful bore to live 
with, in my opinion. 

Edna. Really? 

Eraser (kissing her). Really. Am I forgiven ? 

Edna. Yes. (Crosses to typewriter, takes the sheet off .) 
Did I interrupt you very badly this afternoon ? 



WHY NOT JIM ? 

FuASF.R. Well, truth compels me ■ 



Edna (reading). "She came to him softly." Silly, 
your women always come softly. Do they wear rubber 
heels, or are they all — cats ? 

Fraser (starling after her). You little wretch 

[She laughs and runs a7vay from hi>n ; he follows, and just 
as he catches her, Vivian Gordon enters L. c.) 

Edna (seeing Vivian, and objecting to being caught romp- 
ing). Alec, stop ! Here's Vivian ! 

Vivian (;'// a bored tone). Oh, don't mind me; I'm get- 
ting used to it. So used to it that when my turn comes I 
dare say I shan't care for it at all. Where's tea? 

Edna. It isn't tea time yet. Alec, I insist upon your 
letting me go. 

Eraser (releasing her, but capturing tlie paper). Hungry 
already, kitl ? 

Vivian (sitting doivn and taking off her hat). Raven- 
ous. I've been helping mamma with the last preparations 
for the lawn fete to-morrow. I've found out what her great 
surprise is to be. I made her tell me. She hadn't told 
anybody but Charles. 

Edna. What? 

Vivian. She's engaged the celebrated palmist. Count 
Cashmere, to come down and read the guests' palms. How's 
that for mother? Won't it make all the other women sick? 

Edna. Not really? Count Cashmere — coming down 
from New York? Why, it must have cost tremendously. 
He has appointments weeks ahead. He's been the rage of 
the season. 

Eraser. The fraud of the season ! 

Vivian. He's not a fraud. He's a wonderful palmist. 

Eraser. Humph ! 

Edna. He tells you the most extraordinary things, and 
they all come true. They say that his books are full for 
weeks and weeks. 

Eraser. I don't doubt that. I'll bet seven-eighths of 
his victims are women. 

Vivian (scornfully). Victims ! He told Ethel Vande- 
veer that she was on the brink of something great happening 
to her; and the next night — the very next night — Ereddy 
Harrington proposed to her ! 



10 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Fraser, Oh, well, if you call Freddy Harrington some- 
thing great 

Vivian. The Count's coming to-night and going to stay 
over the lawn feie. Do you suppose, if we're awfully nice 
to him, he'll read our hands to-night? 

Fraser. Bah ! 

Edna. He might. I wonder 

(^«/<fr Mrs. Gordon, r., letter in hand, handkerchief to 
her eyes.^ 

Mrs. G. Oh, oh, oh ! 

Edna. Gracious, mamma, what's the matter? 

(They ail run to her.') 

Mrs. G. {dropping into chair). He's not coming ! 
Eraser. Who ? 

Mrs. G. He. The Count, He's not coming. My lawn 
fete is ruined. 

Eraser. Humph ! 

( Goes up stage in disgust, stands at the viindow, hands in 
pockets.) 

Vivian. But you said only half an hour ago 

Mrs. G. His secretary telephoned — he thinks he's got 
the grippe — he can't come. 

Edna. What horrible luck ! 

Eraser. I think we're lucky that he didn't come. We 
don't want any chaps around here with the grippe. 

Mrs. G. He is not a chap ; he is a count. 

Eraser. Well, it's just as catching in a count as in any- 
body else, I suppose? 

Edna. Alec, don't be brutal ! 

Mrs. G. But what am I going to do? I haven't a thing 
to entertain them with except music. 

Edna. Maybe Alec will read one of his stories. Will 
you, dear? 

Eraser. No, I will not. 

Mrs. G. {grimly). I said " entertain." 

Vivian. I think he's a brute, not to have let you know 
before this. People always know for days ahead when 
they're going to have the grippe. It's disgusting. 

{Enter Alice, l. c.) 



WHY NOT JIM ? II 

Alice. Mr. Ramsay. 

Mrs. G. Oh, yes, 1 told Charles to come out for dinner. 
I wanted him to plan about the readings. 1 can't see him, 
now. 

Edna. You'd better come up-stairs with me, and let me 
bathe your head. Show Mr. Ramsay in, Alice. (^Exit 
Alice, l. c.) Come on, mamma, dear, I know just how 
you feel. 

(^Exeunt Mrs. G. and Edna, r.) 

Vivian. I'll leave you to entertain Charles till tea time. 
I'm going to hunt up Paula and tell her about the Count. 
She's out in the garden somewhere. 

{^Exit Vivian, r.) 

(^Enter Alice, l. c, ushering in Charles Ramsay.) 

Alice. Mr. Ramsay. 

(^Exit Alice, l. c.) 

Eraser. Hello, Charles 

.Ramsay. Hello. Where are the ladies? 

Eraser. They have retired to their rooms in bitter 
despair. Charles, you come at an unfortunate time. A 
blight has settled upon this house. 

Ramsay. What do you mean ? Nobody sick, I hope ! 

Eraser. Sick? It's worse than that. 

Ramsay. 1 say, don't be so blamed mysterious — there 
isn't anything the matter with Paula, is there? 

Eraser. Paula is among the victims. 

Ramsay. Good gracious, what 

Eraser. The Count has declined to come. The lawn 
fgte is ruined. 

Ramsay (jiropping info chair'). Gosh ! 

Eraser. Behold the only pair of dry eyes in this 
afflicted house. 

Ramsay. What's the matter with the fellow? He agreed 
to come. 

Eraser. Grippe. 

Ramsay. Too bad. Rather take the edge off the party, 
won't it ? Does — does Paula — where did you say Paula is ? 

Eraser. I didn't say, but I believe she's out in the gar- 
den somewhere. 



12 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Ramsay [picking up his cap). Guess I'll look her up — 
wanted to speak to her about something. {Star Is to go.) 

Fraser. You'll find Vivian with her. 

Ramsay {dropping his cap and silting again). Might as 
well wait till she comes in, 1 guess. Say, Alec, I'm afraid 
1 got myself into hot water with your mother-in-law. 

Fraser. How ? 

Ramsay. Brought a chap out here for dinner — got as far 
as the Country Club with him when it struck me I'd better 
find out whether they wanted him or not^ so I left him at 
the club and came on to ask. You know him, Jim Barry 
— from Oklahoma — awfully nice chap 

Fraser. I've met him. Didn't he just come into a lot 
of money ? 

Ramsay, Yes. Rich old uncle died and left him a cou- 
ple of millions. As a matter of fact, he saw Vivian at a 
dance a few weeks ago, and is awfully smitten on her. I 
promised to bring him out and introduce him. 

Fraser. Vivian? The baby? 

Ramsay. Well, he doesn't think she's a baby. You for- 
get that girls grow up. 

Fraser. So that was what you wanted to see Paula 
about, eh ? 

Ramsay {guiltily). Yes. 

Fraser. I'm glad of that. I had an idea that it might 
be something else. 

Ramsay. I say, what are you driving at? 

Fraser. I was beginning to fear that you were getting — 
well — a little smitten on Paula. 

Ramsay. Me? Oh, not at all, I assure you. Of course, 
I admire Paula tremendously 

Fraser. And let me tell you, man to man, that it 
doesn't pay to get smitten on Paula. She's the greatest flirt 
in New York State. 

Ramsay. Oh, I say- 

Fraser. Oh, I know what I'm talking about. I've had 
the disease. It's as contagious as smallpox and twice as 
deadly. 

Ramsay. What cured you ? 

Fraser. Her younger sister. 

Ramsay. Oh ! 

Fraser. Take my advice, and keep away from Paula. 

Ramsay. You think she'd lead a chap on? 



WHY NOT JIM ? 13 

Fraser. Lead him on ? You poor infant, if you've got 
to play with somelhiiig dangerous, why don't you buy a 
stick of dynamite, tie a siring to it, and bounce it on the 
pavement? Lead a chap on — oh, my hat ! But don't let 
me keep you from B.irry. You'd better run over to the 
club for him, hadn't you? 

Ramsay. You think Mrs. Gordon won't mind? 

Fraser. Sure of it. He may hdp to lighten the gloom 
that's fallen upon us. 

Ramsay. It's a sliame. If I wasn't so well known I'd 
dress up and play the part myself. I could fake the fortune- 
telling well enough, but everybody'd know me. 

Fraser. Tiie penalty one pays for excessive popularity. 

Ramsay. Oh, rot ! Here I'm trying to help you out 
and you try to be funny. That's the worst of you artistic 
chaps — you never can take anything seriously. 

Fraser. I admit that it's quite impossible for me to take 
the thought of you, Charles, dressed in Oriental robes, read- 
ing the palms of all the pretty girls in town, seriously — if 
that's what you mean ■ 

Ramsay. I say, — here's an idea ! Why not Jim ? 
Let's get Jim Barry to do it ! He's no end clever at that 
sort of thing; I saw him in a minstrel show last winter and 
he made a hit. Nobody knows iiim well enough to recog- 
nize him. The steward at the club has all the make-up 
stuff we used in the play last month. 

Fraser. You mean to make the guests believe that they 
are having their palms read by Count Cashmere — ^don't, my 
boy, the temptation is too strong. 

Ramsay. Why not? The chap agreed to come — we'll 
send him a check, and that'll close his mouth — they'll never 
know. I'm going to propose it to Mrs. Gordon. 

(Stiirfs to go R. Fraser stops him.) 

Fraser. Wait — I'll help you out on this — on one con- 
dition. (Ramsay stares at him.) It's to be a dead secret 
between you and me — and, of course, Jim Barry. Not a 
word of it to Mrs. Gordon or the girls, until I get ready to 
spring the joke. 

Ramsay. What ? 

Fraskr. Why not ? It'll be the best joke of the season ; 
and, Charles, it's so seldom a man has a chance to play a 
joke on his wife's family. Only think what a rich one it'll 



14 WHY NOT JIM ? 

be, too. They've been down on their knees to this fellow 
to get him to come, and they've snubbed me every time I 
opened my head about him. Come on, Charles, be a good 
fellow. 

Ramsay. Well, of course, if you put it like that — it 
would be a bit of a lark, wouldn't it? 

Fraser. It'll be the larkiest lark this family has indulged 
in for some time, let -me tell you, my son. {Looks out of 
windoiv.') Here comes Paula — disappointment written on 
her face. Oh, this is going to be tremendous ! 

Ramsay {in alarm). Paula coming here? What are 
you going to say to her ? 

Fraser. Don't you worry. Is your car outside ? 

Ramsay. Yes. 

Fraser. I am going over to the club to get the Count 
Cashmere. You shall stay here and explain to the ladies of 
the family that the Count's secretary has just telephoned that 
he did not have the grippe after all and will be down on the 
four o'clock express. 1 have gone to the depot to get him. 
Understand? 

Ramsay. Yes, but hadn't I better go? Paula'U get it 
out of me, as sure as day. Let me go. 

Fraser. Nonsense. Don't let her get it out of you. 
Look her straight in the eye and tell yourself that you don't 
care a hang for her. That's the way to manage Paula. 
Good-bye, I'm off. 

{Exit Fraser, r.) 

Ramsay. But wait a bit^ {Enter Paula Harmon, 

L. c, carrying her garden hat by its ribbons.) Oh, hello, 
Paula ! 

Paula {coming dowji with outstretched hands). Hello, 
Charlie, Pm awfully glad you came. Was it hot coming 
out? 

Ramsay {a little embarrassed). Not very. You look as 
cool as a cucumber. 

Paula {sitting'). Pm not. Pm boiling with wrath. 
That miserable Count Cashmere has telephoned that he's 
not coining, and mamma's party will be completely spoiled. 
Men are the least dependable creatures in the world, I 
believe. 

Ramsay {guiltily). Oh, but he is coming. His secre- 
tary just telephoned that he did not have the grii)pe, and 



WHY NOT JIM ? 15 

would be down on the four o'clock train. Alec's gone to 
meet him. 

Paula {juviping up). Really, Charles ? Oh, that's too 
good to be true. 1 must run and tell mamma right away. 

{Skirts to go ; he stops her.) 

Ramsay. I say, Paula 

Paula. Well? What do you say? 

Ramsay. Don't go just yet. 

Paula. But I can't leave her mind in such a stale ■ 

Ramsay. Yes, you can, for a few minutes. I've gut 
something I want to say to you. 

Paula. Yes ? 

Ram.say (crossing to her). I don't care a hang for you 
■ — I don't care a hang 

Paula (Jn amazement). What? 

Ramsay. Oh, confound it, I knew it wouldn't work — 
he's a fool. Paula, I — I 

Paula {kindly). It would save a lot of time, Charles, 
if you would get the things you want to say clearly fixed in 
your mind before you tried to say them. 

Ramsay. That's just what's the trouble. It's so clearly 
fixed in my mind that there isn't room for anything else. [ 
go around thinking about you till I make a perfect fool of 
myself. 

Paula. But you mustn't. I — I don't like you to be a 
fool. I'm very fond of you, Charles. 

Ramsay. Oh, hang it all, I knew you'd say that. I 
don't want you to be fond of me that way. Paula, I love 
you — I've loved you exactly — how long have you been a 
widow ? 

Paula. Just five years. 

Ramsay. I have loved you exactly four years and six 
months, and 

Paula. I don't understand the fascination that seems to 
attach itself to a widow in the eyes of man. 

Ramsay. Paula, please be serious. I want you to marry 
me. Will you ? 

Paula. Yes, I will — ^be serious, I mean ; not marry 
you, I — I couldn't marry you, Charlie. You see, I've 
known you so long, and so well — why, I always know ex- 
actly what you're going to say and do, even before you 
know yourself. Of course, I like and admire you tremen- 



l6 WHY NOT JIM ? 

dously. You're such a good fellow — and so honest. Why, 
you wouldn't deceive me in the smallest thing. 

Ramsay. Well, of course, 1 shouldn't want to, you 
know, but circumstances might arise • 

Paula. No, they wouldn't — with you. That's why I 
like you so much. 

Ramsay. And yet you 

Paula. Oh, 1 know Pm inconsistent, but I can't lielp 
it. i want somebody who will — oh — carry me off my feet, 
sweep me away — all that sort of thing. You know, 1 mar- 
ried to please the family belore, and now 

(^E liter Vivian, running.') 

Vivian. Oh, Paula, I just met Alec, and he says tlie 
Count has changed his mind and has come down on the four 
o'clock train. Isn't it great ? 

Paula. So Charles has just told me. 

Vivian. Oh, hello, Charles, I didn't see you. 

Ramsay {slwrtly, going up to 7vindotv). Hello ! 

Vivian .(/t; Paula). What's the matter with him ? Have 
you been doing anything to him ? 

Paula. Of course not. 1 think I shall go up and tell 
mamma that the Count is coming. 

Vivian. You needn't; Pve already told her. She is wild 
with excitement. Oh, what do you suppose he'll be like? 

Paula. I think he'll be tall and slender, with large, 
luminous black eyes. 

Ramsay. Nothing of the kind. He's short and rather 
stout 

Vivian. Oh ! 

Ramsay. With, possibly, a mustache, or a beard. 

Paula. Why, Charles, have you met him? 

Ramsay. No, not exactly, but they all look alike — these 
chaps. 

Vivian. Well, I guess you'll find that he doesn't. He's 
a genuine count, and a perfect gentleman. 

Ramsay {dryly). Is he? Well, your mother had better 
lock up the silver, if that's the case. 

Paula. Charles, I think it's very narrow of you 

{Enter Mrs. G. and Edna, r.) 
Mrs. G. Oh, girls, you've heard ? My lawn fete is 



WHY NOT JIM ? 17 

saved. He's coming. Such a relief. Good-afternoon, 
Charles, so glad to see you, 

Edna. Alec has gone to meet the Count. It was so 
nice of him when he doesn't approve of palmistry at all. 

(Ramsay goes up to window.^ 

Paula. We've been very fortunate — very. 
Ramsay. Here they come. 
All. Where? 

{They all crowd around Ramsay at window.) 

Vivian. He is short. 

Paula. But so good looking. 

Mrs. G. The dear man ! 

Edna. Such an air — so — so distingue — so different. 

Ramsay (^maliciously). Yes, not a bit like Alec, is he? 

( Comes doivn front.) 

Paula [cotning down). Now, you've hurt her feelings. 

Ramsay {savagely). Serves her right. What business 
has she — a married woman — to talk like that about a man 
just because he's a heathen and has a title? Bah, you make 
me tired. 

Paula. You have been making me tired for four years 
and six months, but I'm not rude about it. 

Vivian. What a pretty suit-case — and just see all tlie 
labels on it. 

Mrs. G. He's laughing — so good-natured looking. 

Edna. I do hope Alec's not trying any of his jokes on 
him. He can be so exasperating at times. 

Ramsay. Pm sorry — I didn't mean to be rude — say, 
Paula, will you ^ 

Paula. Oh, not now; do let's stop talking nbout each 
other till the lawn fate's over ; it does seem to ruffle us so. 

(She lets him hold her hand a moment, then snatches it 
aivay as the others turn from the ivindow and come down 
front.) 

Mrs. G. {seating herself majestically). I hope, Charles, 
that you won't be disagreeable to our guest. 

Ramsay {going up to windoiv). I hope not. I shan't if 
he beliaves himself. 



l8 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Edna {sitiing). Behaves himself ! 

(^Enter Alec and James Barky, the latter disguised as the 
Count. The ladies rush to iveicome him ; he and Ramsay 
exchange a sedate wink.) 

Fraser. Mamma, let me present the Count. My mother- 
in-law, Mrs. Gordon. 

(^Checks Barry /// an obvious atteinpt to shake hands with 
Paula.) 

Mus. G. I am delighted and honored to welcome such 
a distinguished guest. 

Barry {rather overwhelmed). Thanks. Hot, ain't it? 
Awful ! 

{The wo?nen look at each other in amazement.) 

Fraser. My wife, and my sisters-in-law, Mrs. Harmon 
and Miss Gordon. 

Paula. So glad that you changed your mind, Count. 
We were looking upon our lawn fete as ruined, and you 
have saved us. 

Barry {shaking hands all around, rather to their sur- 
prise). Not at all — glad to come 

Edna. And your grippe — your secretary thought you 
had the grippe 

Barry {surprised). My secretary? Why 

Eraser {severely). Your secretary telephoned that you 
had the grippe, you know. That's why we thought you 
weren't coming. 

Barry [in confusion). Oh, yes- — my secretary, of course; 
he's an odd fellow, thinks I never ought to go anywhere — 
play the mysterious — don't you know? Now, 1 don't be- 
lieve in that sort of thing, myself. 

Edna. That's exactly what Mr. Fraser always says; 
that the true artist is above such petty considerations; don't 
you, Alec? 

Fraser. I dare say ; I talk a lot of rot sometimes. [To 
Barry.) Why the deuce don't you sit down ? 

Barry {sitting on sofa, do7vn L.). Mr. Fraser scribbles, 
I believe? 

Edna {horrified). Scribbles ! 

Ramsay {hurriedly, to her). Never mind him — he 



WHY NOT JIM ? 19 

doesn't understand the — -the subtleties of the English lan- 
guage. Writes — scribbles — it's all the same thing to hiin, 
don't you know? Ah, here comes tea. 

(^E liter Alice, l. c, with tray which she sets on the loiv 
table. Paula seats herself at the table and prepares to 
serve tea. Exit Alice, r. Vivian sits on sofa, other 
ladies on chairs.) 

Mrs. G. Do have a cup of tea after your tiresome trip. 
Count. Ah, you see we know your favorite beverage. 
(Barry and Ramsay exchange glances.) I've heard how 
dreadfully severe you Orientals are on the subject of intoxi- 
cants. If only our young men would learn a lesson from 
you ! 

Barry (virtuously). Yes, pity, ain't it? Nothing like 
tea — so harmless and cozy, eh? {Takes cup from Paula.) 
No — no sugar; you looked into the cup, you know. 

Fraser {to Ramsay). Confound his impertinence — nice 
hash he's going to make of the whole affair. I should 
think you'd have had more sense than to 

Ramsay {indignantly). I ? Did I drive to the club to 
get him, and insist upon his coming? I, indeed ! 

Vivian {innocently). Do they drink tea a great deal in 
the harem, Count? 

Barry {aghast). In the which ? 

Vivian. In the harem. Haven't you a harem ? I 
thought they all had. 

Barry {in horror). Harem? Me? Good heavens ! 

Ramsay {scowling at him). Not at all — perfectly nat- 
ural — you're an East Indian, and she naturally supj^oses 
you've got half a dozen wives; they always do in books; 
why haven't you got 'em ? 

Paula {horrified ). Charles ! 

Barry. Why, you see, Miss Raymond, I've never mar- 
ried because — why, you see, I 

{ffe gazes at her adoringly.) 

Eraser (severely). The Count has given himself abso- 
lutely to his art. 

Paula {with a sigh). How lovely ! 

Eraser {aside to Vivian, as he leans over bark of sofa). 
You ought to be locked up in the nursery. The idea of ask- 



20 WHY NOl- JIM ? 

iiig a man if he's got a harem. Don't you ever do that 

again. 

Vivian {resentfully'). Well, I thought 

Fkasek. Little gnis of eighteen have no business to 

think. It's the most dangerous thing they can possibly do. 

(^Crosses to take the cups from Paula and pass tlietn.') 

Vivian {aside, angrily). Well, upon my word, the im- 
pertinence of people who go and marry into one's family 



Baruv {apparently in reply to a question of M\<s. G.'s). 
Oil, yes, indeed, the true palmist takes everything into con- 
sideration — the face, the manner, even the voice; every- 
thing has its story. For instance 



F I N A I ^^^' y^^ — ^^^ instance ■ 



Barky {tvho is beginning to get into the part). Take 
our friend, Fraser ; 1 haven't seen his hand; i don't need 
to see it; his face, his voice, his manner, all proclaim ihat 
he is a man of genius, a man of temperament, a man of im- 
agination. 

{Expressions of highest interest and approbation on the 
faces of the ladies, intense distrust and irritation on 
that of Fkasek ; amusetnent on that of Ramsay.) 

Edna. Oh, yes, indeed 

Bakkv. a man who lives utterly for his work, to whom 
the conventionalities of society are nothing, a man whom 
his art has made an absolutely selfish being, a man who 
would throw everything and everybody, yes, everybody to 
the dogs rather than let an iota of his precious work suffer — 
a man 

{He pauses out of breath ; the ladies are overcome with his 
eloquence. Edna puts her handkerchief to her eyes.) 

Mus. G. How true — how very true ! 

Eraser. Look here, that'll do. What do you mean 

^ ■ 

Edna. Alec, how can you speak so? Remember 



by 



Fkasek. I won't remember. Am I to sit quietly here 

and let a 

Edna. Alec, I insist 



Bakky. Now, Mr. Ramsay is quite a different sort of 



WHY NOT JIM ? 21 

person, I should say. Good-hearted, genial, frivolous, ex- 
cessively fond of women 

Ramsay. What ! 

Paula. Charles ! 

{Enier Alice, r.) 

Alice. There's a man on the 'phone who wants Mr. 
James Barry, and he won't ring off. 

(^Consternation among the conspirators.') 

Paula. Mr. James Barry? Tell him there's no such 
person here. 

Alice. So I did, ma'am, but he says there is — he says 
he'll be hanged if there ain't — and he won't ring oft". 

Mks. G. Alice ! 

Barry. Let me go — Pll speak to him. 

All. You ? 

Frasek. Don't be an idiot — I'll see what he wants. 
Some mistake, of course. 

{^Exeunt Alice and Fraser, r.) 

Mrs. G. How very annoying. 

Barry {clntchin^ Ramsay). I say, let me go ; it's my 
broker, Roberts; I told him I was coming here, and asked 
him to call me up if C. and Q. went off. I must talk to 
him. 

Ramsay. You can't talk to him. I won't allow it. 
You'd ruin everything. 

Barry. But it means money; Pve got to see him. 

Ramsay {bitterly). Two millions left you, and you can't' 
do a simple thing like this for a friend. Pm ashamed of 
you. 

Barry. Oh, well, if you put it like that- 

Ramsay. I do. You can call him when we're dressing 
for dinner. You can't desert us now. VVe sink or swim 
together. 

Paula. It's marvelous the way you read character. 
Count. What do my face, voice and manner suggest to 
you ? 

Barry. Everything most pleasing to the eye and lovely 
to I he mind. 

Paula. Oh ! 



22 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Ramsay (aside). Confound him. 

(Enter Fkaser.) 

Fraser. a mistake — the wires were crossed. 

Mrs. G. Those girls are so careless. 

Barry {to Paula). If you would allow me to glance at 

your hand 

Paula (eagerly). Oh, I should love it I 

(^He takes her hand, studies it, strokes it'.) 

Ramsay. I say, Paula, it's outrageous 

Paula. Outrageous? 

Ramsay. Er — er — to set the Count to work the minute 
he gets here. Can't you let a man rest a minute? 

Barry. To study so beautiful and interesting a hand is 
rest. ( Continues to study hand. ) 

Ramsay (aside to Fraser). I say, how long is this thing 
going to last ? Haven't you got enough joke out of it ? 

Fraser (savagely). Joke ? If this is your idea of a joke, 
I must say 1 don't care for it. 

Ramsay. My idea ! 

Fraser. Yes, your idea. Didn't you suggest it? You 
can tell 'em as soon as you like, for all 1 care. 

Ramsay (/// horror). 'I'ell them ? Great Scott, tell 
them that we've palmed off Jim Barry on them for the Count, 
and let them make idiots of themselves over him ? Well, 
you can tell them if you like; I'd rather put my hand in the 
tiger's cage down at the Zoo. 

Fraser. That's just like you, Charles; always ready to 
get into a thing and then throw the responsibility of getting 
out on the other fellow. Now, if you 

Vivian. Oh, Charles, the Count says that Paula is going 
to be married again ! 

Ramsay. Marvelous penetration ! 

(He surveys the group, Barry, surrounded by the four ladies, 
with much disgust.) 

Fraser (aside). We might buy him off— induce him to 
go back to-night. 

Ramsay. Yes, I see you buying off a man with two 
millions— besides, he's beginning to enjoy himself, and to 
get even with us for roping him in. 



WHY NOT JIM ? 23 

Vivian {to Barky), Oh — oh — oh, how awfully excit- 
ing ! How many times do you think I'll be married ? 

Fraser {to RaxMSay). This is a nice business you've let 
us in for. 

{Enter Gertrude, r.) 

Gertrude. Mr. Fraser, Mr. Harrington has just tele- 
phoned to know whether you've forgotten that you and Mr. 
Ramsay had promised to dine with him this evening at the 
Country Club. 

Fraser. Hang it, I'd forgotten entirely. 

Mrs. G. To-night? Why, you can't go to-night, when 
the Count is here. 

Barry. Don't mind me — the ladies will look afier me — 
mustn't break any engagements on my account. 

Fraser. I don't see how we can get out of it — we prom- 
ised a week ago — I 

Ramsay. Harrington's such an old maid about his din- 
ner invitations, too, but 

Paula. Why, go, of course, and come home early. 
We'll look after the Count, won't we, mamma? 

Ramsay. Yes, but 

Gertrude. He's holding the wire. 

Fraser. Oh, tell him we'll come. 

{Exit Gertrude, r.) 

Barry. Another daughter? 

Edna. My husband's secretary. Miss Price. 

Mrs. G. a very worthy young person. {Rises.) I'm 
afraid, Count, that we must drag ourselves away from your 
fascinating science for a while, or dinner will be announced 
before we are dressed. Come, girls. {All rise.') Alec, I 
will leave you to show the Count to his room. 

Barry. A delightful afternoon, to be followed by a more 
delightful evening. 

{Exit Mrs. G., r., followed by Paula ««^Edna. Vivian 
lingers.) 

Vivian. And you will read mine to-night ? 
Barry {relapsing). You bet. 
Vivian. You're a darling ! 

{Exit Vivian, r.) 



24 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Fraser {approaching Bakry, r.). Look here, this thing 
has got to stop. 

Ramsay {coining up on the other side). It's got to stop 
right now. 

Barry {iiitiocently). Why ? I thought it was going beau- 
tifully — except when you fellows muffed it. 

Fraser. You don't understand. I mean that the joke 
has been carried far enough. 

Ramsay. We don't feel justified in carrying it any 
further. 

Barry. Oh, I see; well, I didn't think much of the 
idea myself wiien you |)ioposed it, but you were dead set on 
it. I don't care, though; tell 'em any time you please. 

Ramsay. 'I'ell them — you mean for us to do it? 

Barry. Well, you don't expect me to do it, do you? 

Fraser. I don't see why you should mind doing it. 

Barry. Don't you? Well, i do. 

Ramsay. See here, Jim, they're nothing to you — I mean 
— you've got nothing to lose — hang it all, I mean ■ 

Barry. You don't seem to have a very clear idea of 
what you do mean ; but if you think you're going to get me 
to break the news for you, you've got another think coining ; 
only I wish you'd hurry, as there's a train I can get out of 
liere at eight. {Pause.) 

Fraser. I suppose it would be a beastly shame to break 
up the lawn fete. 

Ramsay. Mrs. Gordon would never forgive us if we did. 

Barry. Better let it go through and 'fess up afterward. 
{Aside.) After I'm gone. 

Fraser. But do you think you can carry it through? 

Ramsay. They've sent out a hundred invitations. 

Barry. I'm not getting stage fright. Suppose you two 
clear out and let me talk to my broker ? 

{Enter Gertrude, r. ; goes up c, hesitates 7vhether to go 
out L. c.) 

Fraser. All right. The 'phone is in the library. Come 
along, Charles, we haven't much time. 

Ramsay. Sorry to leave you, old man, but you under- 
stand 

Barky. Oh, don't mind me. I'll do my telephoning 
and dress for dinner. 



WHY NOT JIM ? 25 

FuASEU. Oh, by tlie way, your room is the third on 
left side of the hall. 

(^Exeunt Fraser and Ramsay, r.) 

Barry. All right. {Turns to cross L. c. ; meets Ger- 
trude, 2t}ho comes down k. ) Oh, Miss Price 

Gertrude. 1 beg your pardon, I thought you had gone 
with them. I just came in to run off a couple of pages on 
the machine. 

Barry. Don't let me disturb you; I'm going to tlie 
library to telephone. (^Crosses l. ; she goes to machine and 
sits.) I say, vvliere is the library, anyhow ? 

Gertrude. You're heading for iL now; just keep on. 

(Puts the paper in the typewriter ; begins to write.) 

Bmiuy (coming back). Oh, the library'll keep. (IFatches 
her 7vith admiration.) I say, how fast you go, don't you? 

Gertrude. I'm considered rather a rapid operator, I 
believe. 

(Continues to strike the keys zvithout looking at hint.) 

Barry (quite unabashed). I don't see how you do it. 

Gertrude (coolly, and zvithout stoppim^). Don't you? 

Barry (sitting in armchair near her a/ui turning up his 
coat collar). There's a draught iiere somewhere. Feel it? 

Gertrude (tvorkins;). Can't say I do. 

Barry (watching her fingers). Do yon mind if I smoke? 

Gertrude. Not in the least. I shall be going in a 
moment. 

Barry. Don't let me drive you away. I can think just 
as well when you're here as when you'ie not. (She glares 
at him ; goes on war kins;. He lights a cigarette.) I won- 
der if you couldn't give me a pointer or two on the neigh- 
borhood ? 

Gertrude (stopping). What in the world do you mean? 

Barry. Thanks for this kind atteniion. (Siie starts the 
machine again.) You know I'm here to tell fortunes, read 
palms, that sort of thing ? 

Gertrude (taking out a sheet and inserting another). 
So I've heard. I don't believe in 'em myself. 

Barry. Am I to understand that you think me an 
impostor ? 



26 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Gertrude. You're to understand that I don't think of 
you at all. 

Barry. Ahem ! 

Gertrude. I thought you were going to telephone? 

Barry. I am, as soon as we finish this interesting con- 
versation. As I was saying, I'm down here to amuse the 
crowd to-morrow, with a sort of dress rehearsal to-night, 
see? 

Gertrude. Um-hum ! 

Barry. I was about to say that if you could give me a 
few particulars in regard to the family and some of their 
friends, I'd make it worth your while. You see, I haven't 
been very well, lately, and some of my psychic power has^ — ■ 
well — evaporated. You can tell from this ring, a very old 
stone, came from Egypt; when I'm all right, it's as blue 
as — well — as your eyes, but when I'm not quite up to the 
mark it has this green streak in it. See? {Shows her a 
large ri?ig that he wears on his little finger.') Of course, 
I don't really need your help — 1 could work it out for 
myself; but it's just as well to save your gray matter, when 
you can, don't you think so? 

{Enter Alice, r., /^ get the tea things.^ 

Gertrude (rising). Yes. A good many of us haven't 
any to spare. Alice, this gentleman wants to know — where 
the telephone is. Will you take him to the library? 
{Pauses. Alice starts to go r. Barry looks at Gertrude 
in surprise.) Sorry I can't give you that information. You 
might ask Alice. 

Alice. This way, sir. 

{Exit kiACE, R., ivith tray.) 

Barry {rising). Thanks awfully. Don't forget me, will 
you ? 

Gertrude. Well, of all the 

Barry. Tata. 

{Exit Barry, r.) 

Gertrude {staring after him). Of all the nerve ! And 
they call him a count ! Count Humbug, that's what he is. 
I've seen his kind before. Information about the family, 
indeed ! I only hope that's all he wanted. He looks to me 



WHY NOT JIM ? 27 

as though he might be after the silver. {Paiise.^ My good- 
ness, I wonder if he — they said the Count teleplioiied once 
that he couldn't come — he's one of those new style bur- 
glars, I'll bet a dollar; one of the kind that comes around in 
automobiles and cleans out the house while the family are at 
dinner. {An auto is heard tooting.') There go the men, 
now, and here we are, a pack of women left to face lliat 
ruffian. I'll just find out before I do another thing — I'll 
hear him telephone — and if he's what I think he is, we'll 

see (Starts to go off R., luit pauses.) I guess I'll 

make you think before long that there's a draught some- 
where, my fresh young man ! 

{Exit Gertrude, r.) 

{Enter Edna, r., ifi a dinner gow7i ; she goes to window, 
stands there waving tier liand. Turns and comes down 
front. Auto toots faintly.) 

Edna. I hope they won't stay too late. I am deter- 
mined that the Count shall read Alec's hand this evening. 
{Stops before the typewriter machine.) She's been at work 
again. Well, one can't deny that she is painstaking. I 

wonder if I could {She smiles, looks toward the door, 

then sits before t/ie machine and prepares to ivrite.) I 
don't believe it's so very hard. 1 wish I could learn. Let's 
see. {She picks out each key with great difficulty, spelling 
as she goes along.) My dear Alec, how very much surprised 
you will be — now where's that "e"? I believe they've 
hidden it on purpose — when 

{Enter Gertrude, r. She runs up to Ednx suddenly ; 
Edna jumps up with a scream.) 

Gertrude {intensely). Hush I Not a word ! 

Edna. You've scared me nearly to death. What is the 
matter ? 

Gertrude {looking about fearfully). Something awful 
has happened. 

Edna. Oh, what — it can't be Alec— he's just gone — 
don't stand there like a ghost and frighten me — tell me this 
instant. 

Gertrude (/// an auful tojie). There's a robber in the 
house. 

¥uV>NK {ivith a scream). A robber ! Where? 



28 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Gertrude {stopping; her month with her hand'). Hush, 
he'll hear you. He's gone up-stairs. 

Edna. Up-stairs? Oh, and mamma and the girls are 
upstairs. Oh, what shall 1 do ? Where did you see him? 

Gertrude. Listen. It's that fortune-teUing fellow that 
came this afternoon. 

Edna. The Count? Why, Gertrude, it can't be. What 
do you mean by saying such a thing about a gentleman ? 

Gertrude. Oh, don't you worry about him. I've got 
him sized up all right. He's no more count than I am. He 
came in here a few minutes ago when you were up stairs, and 
tried to talk to me — wanted me to give him some particulars 
about the family and their friends to help him along — said 
he'd make it worth my while. 

Edna. Oh ! 

Gertrude. I had my suspicions of him then ; but I 
wasn't sure till I heard him telephone to his accomplice. 
They call them ''fences." They dispose of the plunder — 
you know. 

Edna. Oh, Gertrude ! 

Gertrude. I stood outside the library door and listened, 
I couldn't hear all he said, but 1 heard • 

Edna. Yes, yes. 

Gertrude. He said, "This is Jim. I want you to sell 
all that silver stuff for me, right away ; I've got a big scheme 
on, but I can't tell you over this wire. I'll see you to-mor- 
row." Isn't that plain enough for you? Who ever heard 
of a count named "Jim " ? 

Edna. Oh, Gertrude, how brave you've been ! You've 
saved us all — that is, if we're saved. Oh, what can we do ? 
There's not a man in the house ! 

(^Wrings her hands luildly.') 

Gertrude. Telephone to the Country Club and have 
them send Mr. Eraser and Mr. Ramsay back the moment 
they arrive. 

Edna {clinging to her). Yes, yes, and what then ? 

Gertrude. Don't let him know that you suspect him. 
Keep him here till they come. 

Edna. Here ! 

Gertrude. Of course. You don't want him to get 
away, do you ? 

Edna. Of course 1 do — no — we must save mamma's sil- 



I 



WHY NOT JIM ? 29 

ver — and my jewels — ob, what shall I do? Gerlrude, you 
must go and telephone — 1 wouldn't cross that hall for a 
thousand dollars. 

Gertrude. All right, I'll go. If he comes while I'm 
gone don't let him see that anylhing's wrong. 

[Starts to go, but Edna holds her. ) 

Edna. If he comes — but I can't talk to him alone. I 

Gertrude {pulling mi' ay from her'). Oh, yes, you can. 
I won't be a minute. Remember. 

(^Exit, r.) 

Edna (coming doivn front with her hands over her ears'). 
Oh, if 1 only had iron nerves like that girl ! And to think 
that only this morning 1 wanted to get rid of her. What a 
wicked woman I've been. This must be a punishment. 
Oh, what shall I do if he comes? I can't be natural— I 

know 1 can't — I (Enter Vivian, r., suddenly. Runs 

up to Edna, who screams. Paula appears in doorivay k. 
Both in dinner gowns.) Oh ! 

Vivian. Why, Edna, what in the world is the matter? 

Edna. Oh! (Relieved, seeing them both.) Girls, come 
here. Something horrible has happened. 

(They come down front.) 

Both. Oh, what? 

Vivian. Edna, you make my flesh creep. 

Paula. What can have happened? 

Edna (in blood-curdling tones). The Count is an im- 
postor ! 

Both. What ! 

Edna. Hush ! Don't ask any questions, he may come 
in any moment. Gertrude found him out — she heard him 
telephoning to his accomplice — she called him a — a gate — 
I think it was. 

Both (in horror). Oh, how awful ! 

Edna. He's planning to steal all mamma's silver and 
sell it — Gertrude says it's not the Count at all — he tried to 
bribe her to show him where things were 

Paula. The monster ! 

Edna. Gertrude's gone to telephone to the club for Alec, 



^O WHY NOT JIM ? 

and she says if he comes here we must hold him till Alec 
gets here. 

Vivian. Hold him ! 

Edna. Yes, keep him busy talking — anything 

(^Eiiter Gertrude, r.) Oh, there she is — did you get them 
— had they gotten there 

Gertrude {jnelodramatically). The wire to the Coun- 
try Club is down I 

All. Oh ! 

Edna. We're lost ! Oh, if I only hadn't been cross to 
Alec tins morning ! i^She sinks into chair and cries. ^ 

Paula. We must telephone the police. 

Gertrude {disdain/tiliy). What's the good of them? 
We'll all be murdered in cold blood before they get here. 
(Vivian groans and hides her face in Edna's /«/.) I'll tell 
you — I'll walk to the club and get Mr. Eraser. 1 can do it 
in twenty minutes and we can come back in the car in five. 

Paula. Oh, Gertrude, can you do it? We'll keep him 
here — we'll put dinner off half an hour — and 

Edna {^looking up). Gertrude, do you think you could ? 

Gertrude. Sure. Keep up your courage and we'll land 
the wretch in jail yet. 

(^Exit L. c, in haste.) 

Edna {resenffuliy). I believe she's enjoying it. Oh, 
Paula, you'll have to talk to him. 1 know 1 shall scream if 
he looks at me. 

Paula. We mustn't let mamma suspect ; she'd be fright- 
ened to death. 

Vivian. And he seemed so nice ! 

Paula. Nice ! 

Edna (t-isin^). I didn't think he was nice. I noticed 
the first thing that he had a shifty eye. 

Vivian. I wonder if he 

Paula. Hush ! {They both jump to her side in terror.) 

Both. Oh, what? 

Paula. I thought I heard him coming. {Pause.') It 
— it must have been mamma. Girls, we must control our- 
selves — we must not frighten mamma — if she gets hold of 
the idea that there's anything wrong, she'll let him see it 
right off, and he'll probably murder us all in cold blood. 

Both. Oh ! 



I 



WHY NOT JIM ? 31 

Paula. We must do something — something natural — so 
that when she comes in we won't look so scared. I'll tell 
you — we'll tip the table. 

Vivian. That's not natural. She never saw us tip a 
table in her life. 

Paula. Oh, very well, Miss Clever, suppose you suggest 
something yourself. 

Vivian. 1 say that we throw ourselves upon his mercy 
and beg him to take the silver and spare our lives. 

Edna. You little coward ! Give him our silver ? 
Never. 

Vivian. Oh, very well, if you want to be tortured and 
have your feet held in fire to make you tell the combination 
of the safe, and your throat cut 

Edna. Make her stop — I can't stand it — let's call him 
down and give him everything — I won't have my feet held 
in the fire 

Paula. Stop being such a fool — they don't do such 
things nowadays — they 

Vivian. Oh, don't they? I read in the paper the other 
day about a woman who had all her teelh pulled out by 
burglars because she wouldn't tell where her money was. 

Edna {Iwlding her jatv with both hands). Oh! 

(^Enter Barry at r., in evening dress?) 
Barry. Great Scott ! What's the matter ? 

{They all jump ; 'EjDtiK sinks into the chair, burying her 
face in the cushions ; Paula shrinks back, speechless ; 
\\v\Mi faces him, terrified.) 

Vivian. She — she — why — she's got the toothache. 

Barry. That's too bad — ain't there something she can 
do for it — let me telephone Eraser. {He starts to go 
tozvard the library, but the moment Edna sees him coming 
near her, she gives another piercing shriek. He recoils in 
astonishment.~) Gosh ! It must hurt like the mischief. 

Vivian {tremblingly). It does. She has awful teelh — 
awful ! 

Edna (angrily). Oh ! 

Barry. She's got it again. Let's do sometliing to take 
her mind off it. Let's see 

Vivian. Yes ? 



32 WHY NOl- JIM ? 

Bakry. I've got it — a dance. Let me show you one of 
our Indian dances. Quite the rage just now. Doctors pro- 
nounce them most soothing to the nerves. 

Edna (Jra^ica/ly). Soothing ! 

Paula {quickly). That will be just the thing. Do show 
us, Count. 

Bakry. Well, you begin like this. {Takes a fetn steps.) 
But we haven't any music. Let me see. Here. {Takes a 
silver ash-tray from the table, and a paper-cutter ; hands 
them to Paula. ) You beat these — sort of tom-tom effect — 
slow and with dignity. 

Paula {aside). Oh, won't I make you suffer for this, 
you — you fraud ! {Hammers wildly on the asJi-tray.) 

Barry. That's the idea — that's truly Indian ; now, 
come on, girls. {Takes Edna and Vivian by the hands ) 
Now, watch me — that's it — don't stop pounding. 

{He dances — at first slowly, then faster and more furiously, 
they, fri^/ite/ied to death, following Jiis every movement, 
and Paula beating furiously on the ash-tray. Enter 
Mrs. G., also in a dinner gown ; she pauses and surveys 
the party through her lorgnon.) 

Mrs. G. What an extraordinary 

Vivian. Come on, mamma, the Count is teaching us 
such a beautiful Indian dance. 

Mrs. G. Charming — oh, lovely! Do let me learn, too. 

Barry. Fine — now the other foot — that's it — now alto- 
gether. (Mrs. G. begins to dance cumbersotnely tn a corner, 
watching Barry with fascinated gaze.) Great — simply 
great — come on — all of you — one, two, three 

{Enter Eraser, Ramsay and Gertrude at l. c.) 

Gertrude. Oh, are we too late ? 
Eraser, Here — what's the row — stop that racket. 
Edna {running to him). Oh, Alec, we thought you'd 
never come ! 

(Vivian and Paula cling together; Mrs. G. continues 
dancing as though hypnotized.) 

Mrs. G. Beautiful ! One, two, three 

(Ramsay and Eraser seize Barry and get him down ; Paula 
and Vivian run to Mrs. G., ivho stops with a shriek ; 



WHY NOT JIM ? 33 

Edna and Gertrude hover in the background. Bakuy 
struggles wildly.') 

Barry. Here, quit that — it's gone far enough — what do 
you want ? Confound it, you're breaking my leg. 

Mrs. G. Alec — Charles — I insist. 

Ramsay (^pinning Barry down). You would, would 
you ? Villain ! Terrorizing four helpless women. Con- 
temptible ruffian ! 

Barry. Terrorizing — oh, what in thunder (Kicks 

out wildly.) There, you will sit on my leg, will you? 

Paula. Charles, be careful. He's a desperate man. 
Don't let him bite you. 

Mrs. G. Bite ? The Count ? Oh ! 

Gertrude. Count ? Him ? He's nothing but a com- 
mon burglar. 

Barry. Burglar ! 

Mrs. G. Burglar ! Oh, this is dreadful ! 

Fraser. Get me the curtain ropes, somebody, 

(Paula runs and takes the rope from the portieres.) 

Barry. I say, fellow, what the 

Edna. Don't let him swear — I won't stand it. 

Ramsay [gagging Barry with a handkerchief, luhile 
Eraser ties him with the ropes). He won't sv/ear — don't 
worry. 

Gertrude. What are you going to do with him ? 

Eraser (standing up aiid mopping his forehead). Chuck 
him into the automobile and have Williams drive him to the 
police station. 

Vivian {with sudden pity). Oh, no. 

Paula. Oh, he's got a regular jailbird's face. Don't 
waste any sympathy on him. [Violent atte7npt of 'QkV.K^'s 
to struggle as they pick him up.) That's it — take his head 
— I'll take his feet. 

Vivian. Oh, don't drop him — he was nice — I don't care 
if he was a burglar 1 

Paula. Hush ! 

Barry (trying violently to speak). I — I — oh^ — oh 

Edna (as they go out). You won't leave us, Alec? 

Eraser. My dear, after this awful experience ? Of course 
not. I'll 'phone to Harrington. (Stops.) By the way, 
there's a friend of ours out \\\ the car, Mr. Barry,* Mr. 



34 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Jim Barry, who insisted upon coming over with us in case 
we needed help. Would you mind if we brought him in to 
dinner ? 

(Barry's struggles cease instantly. He turns his head and 
listens intently.) 

Edna. Of course not. 

Ramsay (aside to Barry). Kick a little, you wooden- 
head, can't you? 

(Barry resumes his struggles and is carried off L. C. by 
Ramsay ^w^Fraser.) 

Mrs. G. (collapsing into the armchair, Edna fanning 
her). I do think they might have waited till after my lawn 
fete! 

Edna. And let us all be murdered in our beds? (To 
Gertrude.) If it hadn't been for you, you splendid girl, 
Alec might have returned to find me weltering in my gore. 

Gertrude (modestly). There was something about him 
that I distrusted from the very first. 

Paula, It was his eye. He had a villainous eye. 

Gertrude. No, I rather think it was his voice. 

Vivian. Well, I don't care — I liked his voice, and his 
eye, and everything about him; and I don't care a snap to 
meet Mr. Jim Barry — I don't care if he is a millionaire ! 

(Stamps her foot angrily and leaves the room, l. c.) 

Mrs. G. (recovering), A millionaire? What is the child 
talking about ? 

Edna. Mr. Jim Barry? Why, haven't you heard of 
him? He's the latest millionaire from the West. It's aw- 
fully reckless of Charles to bring him down here. 

(Goes up stage to the window, followed by Gertrude.) 

Mrs. G. (rising). A millionaire — coming here to din- 
ner ? Vivian must come down at once. And I must inter- 
view cook. 

(Exit, L. c.) 
(Enter Ramsay, l. c. Paula runs to him.) 
Paula. Have they taken him away ? 



WHY NOT JIM ? 35 

Ramsay (^glancing at the other two, who are looking out 
of the windoiu, and putting his arm around Paula). They 
have, dearest ; be calm. 

Paula. 1 can't. Oh, Charlie, if you only knew what 
we've been through ! And -what I suffered seeing you 
struggling with that brute ! How brave you are ! 

(Puts her head on his shoulder.') 

Ramsay. My darling girl, not at all. It was nothing. 

Paula. Nothing ? But I saw you. You were like an 
armed paladin. To think that I've known you all these 
years and never suspected what a hero you were ! 

Ramsay {tiervously). Yes, wasn't it odd ?- 

{Enter Vivian, l. c, sulkily.^ 

Vivian. Well, has he come ? 

Edna. Somebody just came in a moment ago. 

{^Enter Fraser and Barry, l. c. ; the latter has removed 
disguise, and stands forth a very presentable young man, 
still in evening dress.) 

Fraser. Ladies, allow me to present our friend, Mr. 
James Barry, late of Oklahoma. 

Barry {bowing ceremoniously). Delighted. 

Fraser [presenting them). My wife, Barry ; her sisters, 
Mrs. Harmon and Miss Gordon ; and my secretary. Miss 
Price. 

Edna (effusively). So good of you to come to our res- 
cue, Mr. Barry. We've had such a frightful evening. 

Paula (cordially). And we're always delighted to meet 
any friend of Charlie's. 

Vivian (turning away coolly). How de do? 

Qi'E.KiVMXi^ (shaking hands). Mr. Barry. (With a shriek.) 
Oh! 

All. What's the matter ? 

Barry. Another tooih ! 

Gertrude {pointing to Barry's hand). That ring — 
It's the one that villain wore 

Barry. The deuce ! 

Fraser. Stolen property — I took it away from him my- 
self and gave it to 

(Enter Alice, r.) 



o6 WHY NOT JIM ? 

Alice. That there man wants Mr. Jim Barry ag^in on 
the 'phone. 

Barry {anxious to escape). That's me. I'll go at once. 
Tell him 

Gertrude. Hadn't you better tell him the truth — Count 
Cashmere? 

Paula. Count Cashmere ! Oh, Gertrude, what do you 
mean ? 

Gertrude (triumphantly), I knew I'd never forget that 
voice. Shall 1 'phone for the police? 

Barry. Game's up, boys. You can't fool that one. 

Edna {severely). Alec, what does this mean? 

Fraser. Why, the fact is — I — why Charles, what 

does this mean ? 

Ramsay. Why, you see — why, it's quite simple — why 

Barry, what does it mean ? 

Barry. Why, we — you see, Charles 

Paula. Tell the truth, please. 

Gertrude. If you can. 

Barry. Well, the truth is this (Ramsay and Fkaser 
go Jtp stage in despair) : Charles brought me down to intro- 
duce me to the family, because 1 was very anxious to meet 
Miss Gordon. 

P^^^^- I Vivian! 
Edna, j 

Barry. I'd seen her at a dance and I — well — I couldn't 
rest till I'd met her. When we got down here everybody 
was nearly crazy because Count Somebody or other hadn't 
turned up to tell fortunes, and Fraser badgered the life out 
of me to dress up and pretend to be the man. He said he 
wouldn't introduce me to his family unless I did. He said 
he wanted to discipline 'em all for being such fools over a 
fake palmist. 

All the Girls. Oh J 

{Groans from the two men in the hackgrotrnd.) 

Barry {continuing maliciously). They went back on 
me the minute I began to get into the part; and when that 
young lady over there {pointing to Gertrude) made up her 
mind that I was a burglar, they thought it was a good time 
to break up the show. That's all. 

Vivian. Then you weren't a 



WHY NOT JIM ? 37 

(JShe stops in confusion.) 

Barry. A burglar? Well, hardly ] if I have a jailbird 
face. 

Paula. Oh ! 

Gertrude {liefiantly). Well, all I can say is that a mil- 
lionaire ought to act like a niillionuire, and not like a 

Alice {who has been standing open-mouthed in the door- 
way). Any message to the person holding the wire? 

Barry. Yes. Tell him to ring off. I'm busy. 

(^Exit Alice, r. ; liAi<\<Y goes to Vivian, c.) 

Edna. And as for yon, Alec 

Fraser {taking Edna t>y one arm and Gertrude by the 
other and walking them up and down l., trying tvildly to 
explain'). My dear, 1 can explain — it was all Charles' 
fault — it 

Paula {to Ramsay). And I thought you the soul of 
honor ! 

Ramsay {following her up and down R.). Oh, don't 
say that, Paula — if you'd only been satisfied with me llie 
way I was instead of putting all sorts of wild ideas into my 
head 

Barry {to Vivian, down c). Aren't you going to for- 
give me for playing that stupid joke on you? 1 only did it 
to oblige them. 

Vivian {relentingly). If I thought that you really meant 
what you said about coming down here just to meet me 

Barry {eagerly). Every word, upon my honor ! Look 
here, you didn't think 1 was a thief, did you? 

Vivian {loftily). I? Of course not. I wasn't the 
least bit frightened. I knew you were too nice to be eillier 
a count or a burglar. 

Barry. You're a darling ! {They go up R. c.) 

Paula {sl'pping doivn R.). I'll never forgive ihat 
dance — never ! 

Ramsay. You'd better — for Vivian's sake. He's worth 
a cool two millions. 

Edna {do7fn l., to Eraser). And you promise to do 
anything I want you to? 

Eraser {humbly). Yes — anything. Honest, I will. 

Edna. Well — i guess I'll forgive you. But wiiat about 
mamma ? 



38 



WHY NOT JIM ? 



Paula. Yes, that's the point. Who's going to explain 
this to mamma ? 

Barky. Let me do it 1 

All. You ! 

Barry. Sure, I'm tough. And after all, I got you into 
the scrape. 

Ramsay. Look here — the main thing is to save the 
garden party, isn't it? The Count is out of it. But why 
not Jim for tlie part, after all ? 

Barry. Sure. I'm game. 

Vivian. And we can tell you all about the people be- 
forehand. [Claps hands.) Oh, say, I guess we won't 
scare the life out of some of them, 

Paula {to Ramsay). Well, you do have ideas, don't 
you ? 

Ramsay {looking at her affectionately). I have only one 
idea, Paula — only one ! 

Gertrude. Here comes Mrs. Gordon ! 

Barry. Leave her to me. 



(^Enter Mrs. G., much flurried, at v.. C.) 



{Sees 



Mrs. G. Well, at last I've persuaded cook — 
Barry.) Oh ! 

Vivian. Mamma, dear, let me present Charlie's friend, 
Mr. James Barry. 

Barry. Delighted. l^AsidetoVwxk^.) Why not Jim? 

Vivian {gi^^Hng). My, but you are swift. 

Mrs. G. He's just in time for my lawn fete ! 

Fraser. In time for it ! He's the whole show ! 



Barrv Mrs. G. 
Alice Vivian Gertrude 

Paula Edna 

Ramsay Frasek 



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